Avoid Child Conflict During Divorce

How You Can Prevent Split Child Loyalty in Divorce

The emotional effect of a divorce on a couple’s children, both short term and long term, is a very serious matter. However, as a parent encountering a divorce or its aftermath, there are things you can do to reduce the negative impact on your children. Efforts like ensuring that interactions between you and your ex-partner are more pleasant and preventing disagreements from affecting your children can be great steps towards maintaining a stable environment.

How Do Your Actions Impact the Way Children Understand Divorce?

During divorce, it’s your responsibility to allow your children to maintain a healthy relationship with the other parent, which will allow the difficult process to go more smoothly for them. If your ex-partner is the one being uncooperative, it’s important to work towards acceptance within yourself and your children, and understand that you cannot control your ex-partner’s behavior. It’s important to focus on your own actions and how they affect the needs of your children.

Your actions during this time can forever affect the relationship between you and your children. In order to support your kids during this hard time, you must take control over the aspects you can, and practice compassion regarding how others’ actions affect their lives. No one has ever called divorce easy. If all parties, including both parents and children, are to move on and adjust in a healthy way, it’s important to work together. You and your ex-partner must be willing to forge this new type of family.

So, What Age Is the Hardest on a Child During Divorce?

Though younger children may be less aware of the intricacies of divorce and therefore less troubled by the events of divorce, this is not always the case. Young children may also be confused in the long run, or be unable to reconcile earlier happy memories with the potential turmoil of divorce.

Studies show that older children are more likely to be affected by the emotions of a divorce. However, this study focuses on participants’ immediate reaction to a divorce, and the long term impacts may be more or less severe depending on the child and your unique situation. In general, it’s important to accept that divorce will have an impact on your children, and it’s your responsibility to reduce the negative effects as much as you can.

What Are Things That Influence a Child’s Reaction to Divorce?

Psychological impact of divorce on childDivorce can cause a variety of psychological and emotional impacts on children. These impacts can include growing mistrust, a loss of security, and confusion. Conflicts between parents can worsen these impacts, and leave children feeling like the mediator between their parents. Divorce forces children to give up their control over their own family situation. The decisions being made by their parents and family court are fully outside their control, which can leave children feeling powerless and insecure.

After a divorce, children are once again forced to accept many choices that make them feel less safe, secure, or stable. In many cases, the choices available to children can be conflicting and function to worsen these feelings. For example, if parents are on bad terms, then simply deciding where to have a birthday party or which parent to spend special events with could have serious impacts on their sense of loyalty and even their relationship with both parents.

What Are Child Loyalty Conflicts?

Sometimes, one spouse may even use their children as a way to inflict pain or exact revenge on their ex-partner, or as a way to attempt to force their ex-partner to meet their needs and wishes in divorce. This need for revenge or to secure resources can stem from anger over many issues, including child support, alimony, or issues during the relationship. For example, if one parent is required by the court to remit child support and resents the court’s decision, they may attempt to influence the child’s relationship with the other parent.

However, none of this resentment, anger, or need for revenge will make your divorce easier or help build your relationship with your children. In fact, it will only complicate your divorce and harm your relationship with them, their mental and emotional well-being, and their long-term healing from the divorce. In the aftermath of a divorce, your children should not feel burdened with the issues between you and your ex-spouse, and they should never feel as if they must choose between one parent and the other.

How Do Divorce and Loyalty Conflicts Affect a Child’s Personality?

Divorces that include conflict between parents can severely affect the personality development in children. Divorce and its aftermath are very difficult periods for children, who likely have never imagined their family disbanding.

Shared custody can help during this difficult time. Children who are given ample time to spend with both parents can continue to feel like they’re valuing their parents, and that they’re allotting love for their parents equally. However, unequal custody and custody conflicts can make children feel like they must place value on one parent over the other. This can force a loyalty conflict.

How Long Does it Take Children to Adjust After Divorce?

In low-conflict divorces, it can take over two years after divorce for children to become adjusted once again. However, continuous parental disagreements and high-conflict divorce will increase the emotional and psychological damage on children. This can mean it takes children even longer to feel well-adjusted again after your divorce is complete.

Children also experience the effects of a divorce for a longer period when the major changes of divorce happen quickly. Sudden change can be difficult for children to accept and deal with. It’s important to maintain clear communication and help children understand what’s going on well in advance of any major changes to improve your child’s chances at recovering from divorce smoothly and quickly.

How to Prevent Child Loyalty Conflict During Divorce

There are several steps you can take to prevent loyalty conflict during your upcoming divorce, and in the weeks and months that follow.

  • Have adult friends or a therapist you can vent to regarding your issues with your ex-partner. By confiding in your children, you force them to choose sides.
  • Prioritize your children’s happiness over any other issue in your divorce.
  • Be sure that your children don’t overhear negative comments about their other parent.
  • Recognize that your ex-spouse deserves respect for being your child’s parent, and communicate this to your children.
  • Share with your children about good qualities they get from their other parent.
  • Be genuinely interested in the time your child spends with their other parent.
  • Encourage your child to spend time with their other parent.
  • If you’re experiencing arguments with your ex-spouse, be the bigger person and don’t let the situation deteriorate further.
  • Involve your child’s other parent when communicating with your children about upcoming changes.

You Can Avoid Divided Loyalty and Child Distress During Divorce

Parent Comforting Child in Divorce

Keeping a healthy dialogue between you and your children regarding the divorce can help ensure they feel they can be open with you about all their feelings. Similarly, keeping any conflict you have with your ex-spouse away from your children, allows them to continue to interact comfortably with you both. Maintaining relationships with both parents allows your children to adjust and heal from the impacts of divorce.

Be sure to remind them that the situation isn’t their fault. By providing your kids with love, care, and encouragement, and keeping their best interests in mind, you can help them stay strong and heal. If you feel your child isn’t adjusting well, talking with a therapist can help.

 

*Editor’s Note: This article was originally published Apr 6, 2018 and has been updated October 17, 2022.

How Financially Prepare for AZ Divorce

How to Prepare Finances for a Divorce in AZ

A handful of important considerations beckon your attention throughout the divorce process. And, being prepared can help ensure your assets stay protected.

How to Make Financial Moves Before a Divorce

If you or your partner have recently filed for divorce in Arizona, there are a few things that you should try to do as quickly as possible.

Choose a Lawyer that’s Right for You

One of the most important steps you can take before beginning a divorce is hiring an attorney you can trust. Divorce can be an intimidating process that is already emotional and stressful, and feeling unsure how to proceed can create even more anxiety.

By hiring an experienced AZ attorney, you will receive advice and assistance throughout your divorce, including formidable representation in court. A divorce lawyer is experienced with all the issues that may occur during divorce, including financial considerations. If you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse differ regarding the division of assets, an attorney can help you handle financial concerns in a way that preserves your future.

Organize and Identify Your Assets

Organize Records

Identifying your assets also helps if you think your partner may try to sell or hide any community assets in an attempt to avoid dividing them with you. Bank statements, credit card statements, mortgage statements, retirement accounts, life insurance policies, and any physical assets or properties should all be accounted for. It is critical to know what you have before you begin the property division process.

Estimate the Cost of Your Divorce

Unfortunately, divorce is rarely a cheap process. Many people go into divorce not expecting its high price tag and are therefore uncertain what to do with money before a divorce begins. Whether you choose mediation to settle various aspects of your divorce out of court or engage in lengthy litigation to make decisions, divorce expenses can add up quickly. Since every divorce is different, it isn’t easy to determine the potential cost of your case. However, estimating attorney fees, moving costs, court fees, and regular monthly expenses can help to give you a better idea of how to manage your money moving forward.

Avoid Making Major Financial Decisions

Of course, divorcing is itself a major financial decision that will impact your finances. However, other major decisions, like changing your beneficiaries, closing accounts, and transferring assets before a divorce can hurt you during the divorce process. These things will be handled legally once the divorce is underway and the division of assets has begun. If you make these moves too soon, you may risk contempt of court or lose your assets to your soon-to-be-ex.

How to Prepare Finances for an Arizona Divorce

During your divorce, division of assets will result in property ownership changes, in addition to your regular and divorce-related expenses. Here are some tips for handling your finances during the chaos of a divorce.

Close Joint Accounts

Close Joint Accounts

Once you have begun the divorce process, it’s time to start closing your joint accounts. Often, bank accounts have both partners’ names, and funds will have to be transferred individually to new accounts. Joint credit cards must be canceled through the creditor, and you’ll have to open your own new credit account.

Closing joint accounts can help prevent your ex-spouse from misusing funds before the divorce is finalized. It’s important that you open a new checking and savings account in your own name and arrange income for deposits and debits for expenses to be handled through the new account. You should also keep documentation regarding when you closed your joint accounts and began your own.

Get An Asset Evaluation

Your assets are important. Whether you’re dealing with expensive collectible items, a shared family home, or your retirement fund, evaluating your assets is critical for a fair property division process. By hiring a professional to evaluate your and your ex-partner’s assets, you can ensure that the correct value is placed on each asset and that they are fairly divided during the divorce. A professional asset evaluation should be done as soon as possible to avoid delays in your divorce and prevent your partner from hiding assets.

Gather Financial Documentation

To properly handle your finances and ensure that property division occurs fairly during your divorce, you will need to collect a great deal of financial documentation. If you have not already done so prior to beginning your divorce, gather bank statements and credit card statements to help to give your lawyers and the court a better idea of how finances were used throughout your marriage. Checking and savings statements, pay stubs, credit card statements, bills, loan agreements, and income tax returns are all critical documentation needed during a divorce. These documents can help the court understand how money was handled as well as its source, such as the individual incomes of each partner.

Maintain Your Individual Credit

Your credit score plays a crucial role in many areas of your life, including your financial health. Despite the difficulties of your divorce, it’s important to maintain your credit. Unfortunately, people often complete a divorce with weak credit due to mounting expenses, their partner’s spending issues, and many other factors. It’s essential to continue building your individual credit so that you can avoid issues like higher financing rates or difficulty renting or purchasing a new property.

Don’t Forget About Insurance Policies

Insurance policies can become a complex financial task because they often affect other important aspects of your life, many of which were shared with your partner. For example, most life insurance policies will require beneficiary changes if you wish to remove your former spouse. Car insurance policies may also need to be changed if they were previously shared by both spouses or if vehicle ownership has changed.

How Can I Afford to Live on My Own After Divorce?

During a divorce, you may experience multiple different housing situations, all of which present different financial concerns. So, how does this work?

Home Sale

One Spouse Buys Out the Other

Since a home is a physical asset that cannot be split unless sold, the person remaining in the family home must often “buy out” the other spouse. This can be done via a cash out finance or forfeiture of an asset or assets of equal value. With these assets or funds from the cash out refinance in hand, the other spouse can afford a new living situation. The title will need to be transferred to the remaining spouse, and all ownership and mortgage documents should be solely under that spouse’s name.

Spouses Agree to Sell the Home

Another option is selling the family home. Sometimes, this is the best option for couples who do not have children, or cases where neither partner feels they have the finances to maintain the home on their own. With the help of a real estate agent and your lawyer, you and your partner can sell your shared home and then split the proceeds fairly. If you and your partner can’t afford to keep the home or are worried about selling it in the current market, you may also agree to rent the house to a third party. When this happens, proceeds can be split between both partners.

Other Circumstances

Unfortunately, the above options may not be available for all couples, especially if they owe more for the home than the home’s current market value. In some cases, if neither you or your partner wants to remain in the home, or neither of you feel you can afford to stay there, you may have to agree to sell the home at a loss. In more severe circumstances, foreclosure may be necessary. Moving forward, the assets retained after the divorce and your own efforts to maintain your credit should help you find a new residence you can afford.

Protect Yourself and Prepare Your Finances During a Divorce

We provide affordable legal services for any individual involved in or looking to initiate a family or divorce law case. We offer guidance as well as our professional expertise and knowledge of the law. We are located in the heart of Phoenix, but our services are digital, which allows us to help individuals throughout the state.

 

*Editor’s Note: This article was originally published March 21, 2018 and has been rewritten August 23, 2022.

BEFORE MY DIVORCE

A list of ten things seems to be a nice way to reflect on complex issues. You can check out my previous post listing 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Divorce. Although today’s list is similar, I wanted to emphasize some new points.

It’s like my older self is telling my younger (about to get divorced) self, what to expect.

Sometimes people impart wisdom and we listen but we’re not sure what to do with it. Or sometimes we ignore it only to find their words pop into our heads at a much later date (when we need it). I hope these words have some impact for you.

10 things I wish someone had told me before my divorce

  1. It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ll do.
  2. Things don’t simply get split 50/50. It’s complicated.
  3. It may very well be the best thing you do.
  4. Co-parenting can be a real bitch but it’s not about you.
  5. You’ll lose people.
  6. Lawyers are not your friends
  7. Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. Eventually you come to understand if those people cannot accept your genuine self—they don’t deserve you.
  8. Nothing worth having comes without some pain.
  9. Every end is a new beginning.
  10. This too shall pass.

To summarize, Divorce is the hardest decision a person can make but it’s also well worth the difficulties to attain personal happiness. Marital assets and your ‘things’ aren’t always split 50/50 and require some legal advice to determine fair division.

Furthermore, lawyers are not our friends, so we must save our whining and bitching for the therapist. Co-parenting is a complex beast with many variables but it’s what’s best for the children in most cases.

We lose people and we find new people—that’s a fact. It’s liberating and heartbreaking at the same time. In any event, your divorce will come to an end, so this too shall pass. Better things are waiting for you on the other side.

Source: www.lisathomsonlive.com, “http://www.lisathomsonlive.com/10-things-i-wish-someone-had-told-me-before-my-divorce/”, Lisa Thomson, February 17, 2018.
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