Monthly Archives: March 2018

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The Human Side
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

Divorce Report 2018: The Human Side

We all know the divorce rate is high, though it’s thankfully not as high as the 50% we often hear. It’s actually lower but the exact number varies depending on the study. Since divorce is still a common problem and grey divorce (among people over age 50) is on the rise, WP Diamonds decided to do some research on the human side of divorce. To that end, they conducted a survey of 1,018 divorcées in the United States and asked them about their personal experiences and insights.

Study: The Basics

The average age of participants was 23.2 years old when they first married and 38.7 when they separated, making 15.5 years the average length of a marriage. Notably, those who married under 25 stayed married longer (16.8 years) than those who got hitched when they were older (11.3 years).

 Why Divorce?
‘We just didn’t love each other anymore’ say one in five when asked why they got divorced. But the number one reason turned out to be communication problems, though this seems to be a more important reason for younger participants. One in four who married before 25 names it, compared to only one in five who married after 36. So, what does it mean exactly? Well, turns out ‘communication problems’ is a euphemism for some seriously toxic forms of interaction: contempt, criticizing the other’s personality, defensiveness and stonewalling (not communicating at all).

For 24% of those who married under 25, infidelity was a factor. After that, the other main motivators cited for divorce are: the inability to resolve conflict (22.2%), incompatible life goals (10.2%), lack of individual freedom (12.6%) and financial problems (12.6%). Domestic violence was given as a reason by 3.5%, though unfortunately that relatively low number doesn’t mirror data from the U.S. Census Bureau.

 Selling the Wedding Ring
Since 49% of respondents said their separation cost more than $10,000 (the longer the marriage, the costlier the divorce), it’s no wonder many divorcées look for creative ways to bulk up their bank accounts. Interestingly enough, the majority of the participants sold jewelry (the old wedding ring as a symbolic gesture perhaps), clothes and other personal belongings. Women also preferred to borrow money from friends if necessary, whereas men would rather go to the bank for a loan.

 Seeking Help
Most participants sought help from a lawyer (40%) and one in four considered visiting a therapist to navigate the emotional stages of separation. Those people seeking therapy reported dealing with aspects of grief: denial, pain, uncertainty, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance.

Tying the Knot, Again
But to end on a positive note, all this hasn’t made us lose our faith in marriage at all. Only 9% of respondents said they would never marry again, compared to almost three-fourths who said they would consider getting remarried or had already even tied the knot for a second or third time!

By Dorien Dijkwel

Source: https://movingpastdivorce.com, “https://movingpastdivorce.com/2018/03/new-divorce-report-2018-human-side/#sthash.QFPFdQU4.IT0cxgPW.uxfs”, Dorian Dijkwel, 3/1/2018.

Wrecking Your Finance
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

How To Keep A Divorce From Wrecking Your Finances

By Laurence Kotlikoff, Next Avenue Contributor 

(Kotlikoff also contributes to Forbes. His posts can be found here.) 

Divorce is always sad, but when it turns ugly, it’s terrible. You may remember The War of the Roses, the dark comedy where Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas start out as a perfect couple and end up destroying their possessions — including their luxurious house and cars — because they can’t agree on who gets what. That movie is unfortunately hitting home for plenty of boomers and Gen X’ers. According to a recent survey by Allianz Life Insurance, two thirds of divorced women feel their divorce created a financial crisis.

Many of my friends have gone to divorce war, but unlike Turner and Douglas, they destroyed their finances (by paying steep legal fees), not their possessions. Divorce doesn’t have to be as financially painful as it so often is, though.

Why Divorce Turns Into War

What drives divorce wars? My hunch is that many are driven by very different assessments by spouses of the impact of their proposed settlements. For example, a husband may think his settlement proposal is incredibly generous while his wife thinks it’s miserably cheap. Without a neutral measurement stick, their fight — with the lawyers’ meters running — can go on and on.

s an economist, I’d say that this is where economics can help couples. Its math and computer algorithms can figure out precisely how much each spouse will get to spend now and in the future under any given divorce settlement. And this analysis can take into account all relevant factors, including the division of assets, alimony and child support, child custody and the disposition of the marital home.

How do I know? My company just released a new software tooldesigned to limit divorce wars (full disclosure: I derive no income from it). It calculates each spouse’s living standard under any proposed divorce settlement.

John and Sally’s Equitable Divorce

Let me illustrate this new technology:

Take John and Sally Doe, both 50, who are untying the knot after 25 years. John earns $200,000; Sally earns $40,000. John and his employer both contribute $6,000 a year to his 401(k). Sally and her employer both contribute $3,000 to hers. John and Sally plan to retire at 65. The couple has one child, Sam, 10. Sam will spend 80% of his time with Sally and 20% with John. John will cover Sam’s college expenses. The couple own a $450,000 house with a $90,000 mortgage. John proposes that Sally live in their house for eight years, while he picks up three-quarters of the housing cost. Meanwhile, John will buy a condo for $200,000. Sally will buy the same-priced condo when they sell their house, sharing the proceeds 50/50. John also proposes dividing the couple’s $200,000 in regular assets and $1 million in retirement assets in proportion to their labor earnings.

John wants to be fair. He figures that paying for most of Sally’s and Sam’s housing for the next eight years, covering Sam’s college expenses and housing and feeding Sam one-fifth of the time is highly generous. He also believes his and Sally’s living standards will be pretty similar once his much higher tax payments are factored in. So John proposes no alimony or child support.

Is John right? Will he and Sally be able to spend roughly the same amount over the rest of their days?

No, he’s wrong. But by playing around with the numbers and the software they can arrive at an agreement that works for both of them.

John’s proposed settlement lets him spend $83,215 annually and Sally spend $23,353 annually (measured in today’s dollars) after covering all housing costs and taxes. There are lots of reasons for this big differential, including John’s higher salary, his large asset share and his receipt of higher Social Security benefits.

When Sally points out the large spending (living standard) difference, John offers to split all assets 50/50. Now John’s and Sally’s annual spending amounts become $73,891 and $35,757, respectively.

Sally, who sacrificed her career to put John through law school and raise Sam, digs in her heels. “John, you need to pay alimony and child support,” she says. John agrees to $25,000-a-year in child support until Sam goes to college. Sally runs the computer program again and finds that John’s annual spending would now be $68,783 and hers would be $41,158.

Sally says, “John, sorry, but you wouldn’t be making five times my salary if it weren’t for me. There is no reason I should have a lower living standard going forward. If you pay me $20,555 each year in alimony and agree to the other things you offered, we’ll both get to spend the same amount each year: $54,836.”

John thinks this over and then counters with a $10,000 annual alimony payment, pointing out that his job is far more demanding than Sally’s. Sally, upon reflection, decides this is reasonable and the two hire a single attorney for one hour to draw up the agreement. Sally and John used economics to save their divorce.

How to Divorce Fairly

Couples don’t have to use this software to come up with equitable divorce agreements. You can also get a rough handle on your relative spending levels by comparing each spouse’s disposable lifetime resources.

To arrive at this number, you’d start by calculating your lifetime resources (the present value (how much a future sum of money is worth today) of your future labor, Social Security and other income including alimony and child support plus your current net worth. Next, you’d subtract the present value of your projected taxes, housing costs, expenditures on children and other expenses including alimony and child support payments. The difference is your spendable resources.

Do this for your spouse, too, and then divide by each spouse’s maximum remaining lifespan (use a calculator like this one) to find what each spouse will be able to spend annually. This is a rough calculation primarily because you’ll need to guesstimate your taxes and may mis-estimate your Social Security benefits, since they may be different in the future than what you expect today.

Source: www.forbes.com “https://www.forbes.com/sites/cdw/2017/09/21/three-organizing-principles-for-digital-transformation/#1900a7504da3”, Laurence Kotlikoff, 5/31/2017.

CHILDREN FROM CONFLICT
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

9 Tips for Protecting Children from Conflict during Divorce

It’s impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Here are nine useful tips for reducing the harmful effects of conflict during and after divorce.

There are several things parents can do to protect their children from conflict and reduce the harmful effects of long-term conflict during and after divorce. Some solutions require the aid of others, including the court. A parenting coordinator can help work out a plan as well as reduce conflict between co-parents.

1. Remove the Cause. Obviously, this is the best course of action, but it may require counseling or therapy. You need to examine your own role in feeding conflict; if there’s nothing you can do to end the dispute, you need to structure your life to decrease the violence. You should avoid fighting and playing mind-games. Children copy their parents’ behavior: they can become aggressive and show poor control of emotions.

2. Learn New Skills. Often, just going to a class will motivate parents. They will learn about the harmful effects of conflict. Hopefully, they’ll want to change – but to change, they must learn new skills. They must learn how to communicate without causing anger and how to listen to what is being said without judging. Parents need to work together and cooperate for the child’s sake. Books or videos about divorce and parenting can also help, and parenting skill classes are offered in many communities. These skills will help with many aspects of raising children post-divorce.

3. Keep Children Out of the Middle. Parents need to keep their child out of their disputes. Being caught in the middle between Mom and Dad is very stressful for children: the most powerful reason for a child to be maladjusted is conflict between the parents. Parental disagreements cause stress and suffering in a child; children often emerge in good shape from low-conflict break-ups, and they do better than those in an intact family with high conflict. Parents in conflict are poor role models, inconsistent with discipline, and inattentive – all of which creates stress for their children. Negative emotions between co-parents are carried over into their interactions with their children. After the conflict, parents are suffering, too; involvement with their child decreases and they cannot respond to their child’s emotional needs.

4. Control Your Emotions. Many parents go through regular cycles of emotion, from conflict to detachment. Feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment come and go – as do sadness, loneliness, and despair. Feelings of love, anger, and sadness have different effects, and some parents get “stuck” in one of these three feelings. Parents stuck in anger may endlessly seek revenge; those stuck in love may continue to hope to reconcile; and those stuck in sadness may become depressed, blaming themselves for all of the problems of the marriage. Parents need to learn to use non-violent language; most people respond well when given a positive message (something to do) and poorly when given a negative message (not to do something). Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, explains this strategy (see the Center for Nonviolent Communication at www.cnvc.org). Good communication skills enable parents to react less emotionally in tense situations.

5. Prepare for Long-Term Conflict. Disputes continue for a long time post-divorce for most families, so parents should develop a plan that shields the child from conflict. The child will benefit if kept out of parents’ angry arguments. Co-parents should work hard to maintain their own and the other parent’s bond with the child, and they need to accept each other’s different values and parenting styles.

6. Contain Your Anger. Being cordial and formal will help keep your emotions in check. High conflict is usually temporary, so it is best not to decrease the child’s access to the other parent; it is more harmful for a child to lose a relationship with a parent than it is for them to be exposed to conflict for a short period of time. Decreasing contact between one parent and the child can lead to complete loss of contact over time, and children never get over the loss of a parent relationship – even as adults. There are good online programs that can help, such as Children in the Middle (www.divorce-education.com); parents can also work with a therapist or counselor. Mediators can also help reduce conflict by teaching parents to find ways to cooperate and agree.

7. Children as a Cause of Conflict. Sometimes, a child can make the fighting between parents worse. If a child has serious behavior problems or emotional problems, it adds to the burdens of the parents. If parents have trouble handling these issues, conflicts can arise or be aggravated. Of course, the child’s problems may be caused by the break-up or by the parents’ conflict; it can be difficult to know just what is causing what. The best solution is for the parents to agree on how to deal with the child’s problems: they need to be consistent across households, and they should support each other in front of the children.

8. Avoid Loyalty Conflicts. Loyalty conflicts, where a child feels pressure to choose sides, are the most damaging aspect of parental conflict. Most parents do not think they put their child in the middle of their dispute, but children say that they do. Some parents criticize the child for not hating their other parent, or act hurt when the child wants to be with their other parent. A child may not be allowed to talk about the other parent or to bring things back from the other house. The child may be quizzed about time spent with his/her other parent or about the other parent’s personal life.

A child will try to resolve loyalty conflicts in several ways, including:

  • having a separate but equal connection with each parent
  • trying to get the parents to be nice to each other
  • acting out, getting into trouble, or getting sick
  • becoming angels
  • retreating from both parents and turning to their peers
  • seeking comfort in alcohol, drugs, or risky sex.

Being caught in the middle is too great a burden for most children. The video, Children in the Middle, teaches parents to reduce the number of loyalty conflicts and the number of times the child is exposed to their arguments. The child learns to speak up when caught in the middle of parental disputes.

9. Arguing Constructively. It is impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Controlled conflict often leads to positive, constructive changes. Parents can learn to manage conflict, learn to compromise, and become more effective parents. When they do this, their child’s behavior improves.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com, “http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/protecting-children-from-conflict”, Donald A. Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack Arbuthnot (Ph.D.), Updated: November 12, 2015.
Divorced Gay Couple
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

Supreme Court asked to rule in divorced gay couple’s child custody case

PHOENIX — Saying biology matters, an Arizona woman is making a last-ditch effort in court to keep from being forced to share custody of her child with her former wife.

Keith Berkshire, attorney for Kimberly McLaughlin, is asking the U.S. Supreme Court to overturn last year’s ruling by the state’s high court, which concluded that Suzan McLaughlin had the same right to claim parentage as if she had been Kimberly’s husband.

In legal pleadings, Berkshire acknowledged the historic 2015 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that concluded that states must extend the right to marry to same-sex couples.

The justices expanded on that two years later, spelling out that same-sex couples must have access to the “constellation of benefits that the state has linked to marriage.”

But Berkshire contends nothing in either ruling requires states to ignore the biological fact that men and women are different — and that, by definition, two women cannot both be the biological parent of a child born to one of them. That, he said, undermines the decision of the Arizona Supreme Court to effectively rewrite a statute that says only men are entitled to the presumption of “paternity” of a child born during a marriage.

In the legal filings, the attorney also takes a slap of sorts at the Arizona Supreme Court, saying the justices effectively adopted a statute dealing with how paternity cases are handled in cases of artificial insemination, a statute that, while approved in other states, had never been enacted by lawmakers in Arizona.

What the U.S. Supreme Court decides could have implications on other cases involving child custody and support: A ruling against Berkshire would undermine arguments by Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery and the Center for Arizona Policy that just because same-sex marriages are legal does not void state laws that differentiate between same-sex couples and heterosexual couples.

That’s not just an academic argument.

In writing last year’s ruling, Arizona Supreme Court Chief Justice Scott Bales said he reads the U.S. Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage to “require a reassessment of various state statutes, rules, and regulations to the extent they deny same-sex spouses all of the benefits afforded opposite-sex spouses.” That includes taxation, property rights, hospital access, adoption rights and more.

Court records show Kimberly and Suzan, legally married in California in 2008, agreed to have a child through artificial insemination using an anonymous sperm donor.

Kimberly became pregnant in 2010. The couple moved to Tucson, entered into a joint-parenting agreement and executed mirror wills, declaring they were equal parents to the child.

After the boy’s 2011 birth, Suzan stayed home and cared for him while Kimberly worked as a physician.

When he was nearly 2, Kimberly moved out, taking the boy with her and cutting off his contact with Suzan.

In filing for divorce, Suzan sought parenting time, citing an Arizona law that says that the husband is the presumed parent of a child born within 10 months of a marriage.

When a trial judge agreed to let the case proceed, Kimberly appealed, saying the paternity presumption law, by its plain wording, applies only when the other spouse is a man.

Berkshire said the Arizona Supreme Court, in agreeing Suzan could use the paternity statutes to be declared one of the boy’s parents, ignored both the reason legislators wrote the law the way they did as well as basic biology.

 “Specifically, when a woman is married to a man and becomes pregnant, it is not only possible but also likely that her husband is the biological father of her child,” he wrote in his petition to the U.S. Supreme Court.

“When a woman is married to another woman, it is impossible for both women to be biologically related to the child,” he said. “A statute that acknowledges this biological fact does not violate the Fourteenth Amendment,” which guarantees equal protection under the law.

Berkshire said Suzan might have a claim if she and Kimberly lived in a state like Oregon, New Jersey or New York. Lawmakers in each of those states have adopted measures, based on a model statute, which spell out that if a child is born to a woman through artificial insemination, her husband is automatically treated as if he were the child’s biological parent.

“Arizona does not have an artificial insemination statute, and Arizona is not required to enact one,” the attorney told the justices. But he said the ruling written by Bales effectively “circumvented the legislature” and enacted the model law.

“But this is not the court’s role,” Berkshire said. “If this court or constituents are dissatisfied with the state of our current laws, the proper forum to advocate for change is in the legislature, not the courtroom.”

The attorney said the Arizona Supreme Court intruded into the realm of state lawmakers by concluding the paternity statutes had to be read and enforced in a gender-neutral fashion.

He said it was “beyond the Arizona Supreme Court’s domain to rewrite the statute in order to conform with any perceived public policy.”

Source: Tucson.com “http://tucson.com/news/local/supreme-court-asked-to-rule-in-divorced-gay-couple-s/article_873380c7-07a0-52bb-aaf3-1e06c77b547a.html”, Howard Fischer Capitol Media Services, 01/15/2018.

Unhappy Marriages
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

3 Reasons Why We Stay in Unhappy Marriages

It seems like there are two different types of divorces:
1. Those that last decades, fighting tooth and nail over every spoon, chair, and penny, and
2. Those that seem to simply dissolve quietly before our eyes, as if it had all only been an illusion in the first place.

The first type may end up in the media – depending on how extreme the fighting gets, or how much money is at stake –and second type leads us to believe that divorce is simple and routine – like laundry or grocery shopping. No matter how easy someone may make it look, the pain, disappointment, and sense of failure are the same for everyone.

Not every divorce is caused by some big life changing event such as infidelity or abuse. It may simply be the realization that your life isn’t going the way that you want it to, and your current situation doesn’t allow you to pursue happiness in the way you desire. You are living with a feeling of mild discontent that is exacerbated by the arguments and disagreements you have. We stay in unhappy marriagesbecause they don’t seem that unhappy – until one day, we realize how unhappy we really are.

Some of us spend our marriages in a constant state of “will-they, won’t-they”, riding the highs and scraping by during the lows. You fight and argue, and sometimes it feels like the end of the world. Sometimes that feeling grows as your patience shrinks. And sometimes, you decide, “This is it, I’m really done this time!” and then… something happens. You have a wonderful family day at the zoo, or a romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant for your birthday, and it feels like old times. But that day out or date night was an anomaly, and you quickly drop back into your regular routine of quiet unhappiness.

Whether it is your brain or your heart that ultimately makes the call, you decide to stick it out a bit longer, because things will get better – or be different – soon. Right?

Why We Stay In Unhappy Marriages

Whatever our brain decides is the is primary justification for remaining in unsatisfying or downright miserable relationships, there are really only a few reasons why we stay in unhappy marriages. Here are the top three.

1. We Stay In Unhappy Marriages for Our Children

stay married for the childrenMany people in self-proclaimed unhappy marriages say that they stay with their spouse for the sake of their children. They don’t know how their children will respond, don’t have a clear understanding of how child custody will work in their case, or are scared of losing their relationship with their children post-divorce. Once we become parents, much of our decision-making is focused on how a particular decision will impact our children. Nobody wants to see their children upset and scared.

The fact is, however, that in order for your children to have healthy relationships, they need good examples of what healthy relationships should be like. If you and your spouse are constantly fighting, then the example you are setting for your child is that being unhappy is ok. It is your responsibility as a parent to value your happiness, as a model for your children and the standards they should set for their own relationships.

2. We Stay In Unhappy Marriages Because of Happy Memories

stay because of happy memoriesThe funny thing about memories is that we only remember certain things – the really good things and the really bad things. All of the middle moments just sort of blend together. So when you look back at the life you have built with your spouse, there are a few key memories and moments that spring to mind, and since the actual emotions you felt are long passed, you have ghost emotions that are typically much stronger one direction or the other than it was during the actual event.

For example, if your honeymoon was mostly pleasant, with only minor bumps along the way, chances are you will remember it down the road with the softened lens of time. The details and negatives fade out and the memory becomes more positive than the initial experience actually was.

Our brain can use this to trick us in a couple of different ways. It can cause us to wonder how things got so bad when they used to be so good, or it can convince us that things will be good again, if we just put in enough time/effort/energy/patience. We let our perception of past events control our future, instead of critically looking at our goals and making a educated decision on whether our current path will allow us to accomplish them.

3. We Stay In Unhappy Marriages Because of Fear

fear of being aloneRegardless of what other reason your brain may generate for you, the #1 reason why we stay in unhappy marriages is fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of what their future will be like without your spouse. You shouldn’t be ashamed of being afraid. Fear is what keeps us from making really bad choices in our lives. You didn’t jump off a bridge, even though all your friends were doing it, because you were afraid of the consequences. In this instance, your fear was justified and helped to preserve your life and health. That is what fear is for.

Fear can be a great thing, as it is your brain’s way of protecting you from potential hazards. It is when you become immobilized by fear that things get tricky. Inaction is the best friend of fear, and they love to work together to keep you from moving forward. You have done new and scary things your entire life, from taking your first steps to rebelling against your parents, even getting married! The fears that you have overcome have defined who you are as a person, and those that you allow to rule your life do the same.

Knowledge: The Key to Overcoming Fear

People have the ability to strap themselves into a harness and jump off a bridge with just a single rope attaching them because they understand exactly what will happen, when it will happen, and what safety measures are in place to protect them from damage. They have researched and weighed various factors, and have decided that the potential outcome is worth the risk.

Those people we see who seem to have it all together as they seamlessly navigate divorce with no second thoughts have a secret. They have struggled with the same emotions that you have, but they have decided that they are worth more or their life can be more that it is in their current situation. So how have they gotten to this point of quiet confidence?

Reach Out to an Expert for Help

They have most likely reached out to an expert to explain the process and help them understand what divorce can mean for them, their finances, their family, and their future. If that’s not enough, they have reached out to a therapist, or maybe joined a support group for help dealing with the emotional impact of divorce.

A family lawyer does more than assist you with filing paperwork. Reaching out to a lawyer when you are considering divorce can help you to understand what life could be like outside of the restraints of your marriage. Many divorce lawyers work to expose the unknown so you can be confident you are making the right choice for you and your family, regardless of whether that means you will be pursuing divorce or not.

A divorce lawyer can fully explain all the options available to you, recommend counselors, answer all of your questions, and address any concerns you may have about the divorce process, child custody and support, or any other aspect of your life post-divorce. You then have the knowledge you need to weigh those options, look at the different potential outcomes, and can decide to pursue divorce, wait for a better time, or maybe even come to the realization that your marriage isn’t so bad after all.

The Moral of The Story

Don’t let fear, memories, or even your children keep you from pursuing your best life possible. Speak to an experienced divorce lawyer who can help you understand your situation, and get a full analysis before you do anything. You just may find that – with some concerted efforts, or a few sessions of marriage counseling – you could already be living your best life. An outside perspective may help you recognize and appreciate what you have, and what your marriage could become with some time, patience, and support – or you may gain the knowledge and tools you need to overcome your fears, enabling you to leave your unhappy marriage and start a new, better life for yourself.

 

Source: www.divorcemag.com “http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/3-reasons-why-we-stay-in-unhappy-marriages”, Tracy Mccole, 3/01/2018.

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