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CHILDREN FROM CONFLICT
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

9 Tips for Protecting Children from Conflict during Divorce

It’s impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Here are nine useful tips for reducing the harmful effects of conflict during and after divorce.

There are several things parents can do to protect their children from conflict and reduce the harmful effects of long-term conflict during and after divorce. Some solutions require the aid of others, including the court. A parenting coordinator can help work out a plan as well as reduce conflict between co-parents.

1. Remove the Cause. Obviously, this is the best course of action, but it may require counseling or therapy. You need to examine your own role in feeding conflict; if there’s nothing you can do to end the dispute, you need to structure your life to decrease the violence. You should avoid fighting and playing mind-games. Children copy their parents’ behavior: they can become aggressive and show poor control of emotions.

2. Learn New Skills. Often, just going to a class will motivate parents. They will learn about the harmful effects of conflict. Hopefully, they’ll want to change – but to change, they must learn new skills. They must learn how to communicate without causing anger and how to listen to what is being said without judging. Parents need to work together and cooperate for the child’s sake. Books or videos about divorce and parenting can also help, and parenting skill classes are offered in many communities. These skills will help with many aspects of raising children post-divorce.

3. Keep Children Out of the Middle. Parents need to keep their child out of their disputes. Being caught in the middle between Mom and Dad is very stressful for children: the most powerful reason for a child to be maladjusted is conflict between the parents. Parental disagreements cause stress and suffering in a child; children often emerge in good shape from low-conflict break-ups, and they do better than those in an intact family with high conflict. Parents in conflict are poor role models, inconsistent with discipline, and inattentive – all of which creates stress for their children. Negative emotions between co-parents are carried over into their interactions with their children. After the conflict, parents are suffering, too; involvement with their child decreases and they cannot respond to their child’s emotional needs.

4. Control Your Emotions. Many parents go through regular cycles of emotion, from conflict to detachment. Feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment come and go – as do sadness, loneliness, and despair. Feelings of love, anger, and sadness have different effects, and some parents get “stuck” in one of these three feelings. Parents stuck in anger may endlessly seek revenge; those stuck in love may continue to hope to reconcile; and those stuck in sadness may become depressed, blaming themselves for all of the problems of the marriage. Parents need to learn to use non-violent language; most people respond well when given a positive message (something to do) and poorly when given a negative message (not to do something). Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, explains this strategy (see the Center for Nonviolent Communication at www.cnvc.org). Good communication skills enable parents to react less emotionally in tense situations.

5. Prepare for Long-Term Conflict. Disputes continue for a long time post-divorce for most families, so parents should develop a plan that shields the child from conflict. The child will benefit if kept out of parents’ angry arguments. Co-parents should work hard to maintain their own and the other parent’s bond with the child, and they need to accept each other’s different values and parenting styles.

6. Contain Your Anger. Being cordial and formal will help keep your emotions in check. High conflict is usually temporary, so it is best not to decrease the child’s access to the other parent; it is more harmful for a child to lose a relationship with a parent than it is for them to be exposed to conflict for a short period of time. Decreasing contact between one parent and the child can lead to complete loss of contact over time, and children never get over the loss of a parent relationship – even as adults. There are good online programs that can help, such as Children in the Middle (www.divorce-education.com); parents can also work with a therapist or counselor. Mediators can also help reduce conflict by teaching parents to find ways to cooperate and agree.

7. Children as a Cause of Conflict. Sometimes, a child can make the fighting between parents worse. If a child has serious behavior problems or emotional problems, it adds to the burdens of the parents. If parents have trouble handling these issues, conflicts can arise or be aggravated. Of course, the child’s problems may be caused by the break-up or by the parents’ conflict; it can be difficult to know just what is causing what. The best solution is for the parents to agree on how to deal with the child’s problems: they need to be consistent across households, and they should support each other in front of the children.

8. Avoid Loyalty Conflicts. Loyalty conflicts, where a child feels pressure to choose sides, are the most damaging aspect of parental conflict. Most parents do not think they put their child in the middle of their dispute, but children say that they do. Some parents criticize the child for not hating their other parent, or act hurt when the child wants to be with their other parent. A child may not be allowed to talk about the other parent or to bring things back from the other house. The child may be quizzed about time spent with his/her other parent or about the other parent’s personal life.

A child will try to resolve loyalty conflicts in several ways, including:

  • having a separate but equal connection with each parent
  • trying to get the parents to be nice to each other
  • acting out, getting into trouble, or getting sick
  • becoming angels
  • retreating from both parents and turning to their peers
  • seeking comfort in alcohol, drugs, or risky sex.

Being caught in the middle is too great a burden for most children. The video, Children in the Middle, teaches parents to reduce the number of loyalty conflicts and the number of times the child is exposed to their arguments. The child learns to speak up when caught in the middle of parental disputes.

9. Arguing Constructively. It is impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Controlled conflict often leads to positive, constructive changes. Parents can learn to manage conflict, learn to compromise, and become more effective parents. When they do this, their child’s behavior improves.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com, “http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/protecting-children-from-conflict”, Donald A. Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack Arbuthnot (Ph.D.), Updated: November 12, 2015.
Divorced Gay Couple
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

Supreme Court asked to rule in divorced gay couple’s child custody case

PHOENIX — Saying biology matters, an Arizona woman is making a last-ditch effort in court to keep from being forced to share custody of her child with her former wife.

Keith Berkshire, attorney for Kimberly McLaughlin, is asking the U.S. Supreme Court to overturn last year’s ruling by the state’s high court, which concluded that Suzan McLaughlin had the same right to claim parentage as if she had been Kimberly’s husband.

In legal pleadings, Berkshire acknowledged the historic 2015 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that concluded that states must extend the right to marry to same-sex couples.

The justices expanded on that two years later, spelling out that same-sex couples must have access to the “constellation of benefits that the state has linked to marriage.”

But Berkshire contends nothing in either ruling requires states to ignore the biological fact that men and women are different — and that, by definition, two women cannot both be the biological parent of a child born to one of them. That, he said, undermines the decision of the Arizona Supreme Court to effectively rewrite a statute that says only men are entitled to the presumption of “paternity” of a child born during a marriage.

In the legal filings, the attorney also takes a slap of sorts at the Arizona Supreme Court, saying the justices effectively adopted a statute dealing with how paternity cases are handled in cases of artificial insemination, a statute that, while approved in other states, had never been enacted by lawmakers in Arizona.

What the U.S. Supreme Court decides could have implications on other cases involving child custody and support: A ruling against Berkshire would undermine arguments by Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery and the Center for Arizona Policy that just because same-sex marriages are legal does not void state laws that differentiate between same-sex couples and heterosexual couples.

That’s not just an academic argument.

In writing last year’s ruling, Arizona Supreme Court Chief Justice Scott Bales said he reads the U.S. Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage to “require a reassessment of various state statutes, rules, and regulations to the extent they deny same-sex spouses all of the benefits afforded opposite-sex spouses.” That includes taxation, property rights, hospital access, adoption rights and more.

Court records show Kimberly and Suzan, legally married in California in 2008, agreed to have a child through artificial insemination using an anonymous sperm donor.

Kimberly became pregnant in 2010. The couple moved to Tucson, entered into a joint-parenting agreement and executed mirror wills, declaring they were equal parents to the child.

After the boy’s 2011 birth, Suzan stayed home and cared for him while Kimberly worked as a physician.

When he was nearly 2, Kimberly moved out, taking the boy with her and cutting off his contact with Suzan.

In filing for divorce, Suzan sought parenting time, citing an Arizona law that says that the husband is the presumed parent of a child born within 10 months of a marriage.

When a trial judge agreed to let the case proceed, Kimberly appealed, saying the paternity presumption law, by its plain wording, applies only when the other spouse is a man.

Berkshire said the Arizona Supreme Court, in agreeing Suzan could use the paternity statutes to be declared one of the boy’s parents, ignored both the reason legislators wrote the law the way they did as well as basic biology.

 “Specifically, when a woman is married to a man and becomes pregnant, it is not only possible but also likely that her husband is the biological father of her child,” he wrote in his petition to the U.S. Supreme Court.

“When a woman is married to another woman, it is impossible for both women to be biologically related to the child,” he said. “A statute that acknowledges this biological fact does not violate the Fourteenth Amendment,” which guarantees equal protection under the law.

Berkshire said Suzan might have a claim if she and Kimberly lived in a state like Oregon, New Jersey or New York. Lawmakers in each of those states have adopted measures, based on a model statute, which spell out that if a child is born to a woman through artificial insemination, her husband is automatically treated as if he were the child’s biological parent.

“Arizona does not have an artificial insemination statute, and Arizona is not required to enact one,” the attorney told the justices. But he said the ruling written by Bales effectively “circumvented the legislature” and enacted the model law.

“But this is not the court’s role,” Berkshire said. “If this court or constituents are dissatisfied with the state of our current laws, the proper forum to advocate for change is in the legislature, not the courtroom.”

The attorney said the Arizona Supreme Court intruded into the realm of state lawmakers by concluding the paternity statutes had to be read and enforced in a gender-neutral fashion.

He said it was “beyond the Arizona Supreme Court’s domain to rewrite the statute in order to conform with any perceived public policy.”

Source: Tucson.com “http://tucson.com/news/local/supreme-court-asked-to-rule-in-divorced-gay-couple-s/article_873380c7-07a0-52bb-aaf3-1e06c77b547a.html”, Howard Fischer Capitol Media Services, 01/15/2018.

Unhappy Marriages
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

3 Reasons Why We Stay in Unhappy Marriages

It seems like there are two different types of divorces:
1. Those that last decades, fighting tooth and nail over every spoon, chair, and penny, and
2. Those that seem to simply dissolve quietly before our eyes, as if it had all only been an illusion in the first place.

The first type may end up in the media – depending on how extreme the fighting gets, or how much money is at stake –and second type leads us to believe that divorce is simple and routine – like laundry or grocery shopping. No matter how easy someone may make it look, the pain, disappointment, and sense of failure are the same for everyone.

Not every divorce is caused by some big life changing event such as infidelity or abuse. It may simply be the realization that your life isn’t going the way that you want it to, and your current situation doesn’t allow you to pursue happiness in the way you desire. You are living with a feeling of mild discontent that is exacerbated by the arguments and disagreements you have. We stay in unhappy marriagesbecause they don’t seem that unhappy – until one day, we realize how unhappy we really are.

Some of us spend our marriages in a constant state of “will-they, won’t-they”, riding the highs and scraping by during the lows. You fight and argue, and sometimes it feels like the end of the world. Sometimes that feeling grows as your patience shrinks. And sometimes, you decide, “This is it, I’m really done this time!” and then… something happens. You have a wonderful family day at the zoo, or a romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant for your birthday, and it feels like old times. But that day out or date night was an anomaly, and you quickly drop back into your regular routine of quiet unhappiness.

Whether it is your brain or your heart that ultimately makes the call, you decide to stick it out a bit longer, because things will get better – or be different – soon. Right?

Why We Stay In Unhappy Marriages

Whatever our brain decides is the is primary justification for remaining in unsatisfying or downright miserable relationships, there are really only a few reasons why we stay in unhappy marriages. Here are the top three.

1. We Stay In Unhappy Marriages for Our Children

stay married for the childrenMany people in self-proclaimed unhappy marriages say that they stay with their spouse for the sake of their children. They don’t know how their children will respond, don’t have a clear understanding of how child custody will work in their case, or are scared of losing their relationship with their children post-divorce. Once we become parents, much of our decision-making is focused on how a particular decision will impact our children. Nobody wants to see their children upset and scared.

The fact is, however, that in order for your children to have healthy relationships, they need good examples of what healthy relationships should be like. If you and your spouse are constantly fighting, then the example you are setting for your child is that being unhappy is ok. It is your responsibility as a parent to value your happiness, as a model for your children and the standards they should set for their own relationships.

2. We Stay In Unhappy Marriages Because of Happy Memories

stay because of happy memoriesThe funny thing about memories is that we only remember certain things – the really good things and the really bad things. All of the middle moments just sort of blend together. So when you look back at the life you have built with your spouse, there are a few key memories and moments that spring to mind, and since the actual emotions you felt are long passed, you have ghost emotions that are typically much stronger one direction or the other than it was during the actual event.

For example, if your honeymoon was mostly pleasant, with only minor bumps along the way, chances are you will remember it down the road with the softened lens of time. The details and negatives fade out and the memory becomes more positive than the initial experience actually was.

Our brain can use this to trick us in a couple of different ways. It can cause us to wonder how things got so bad when they used to be so good, or it can convince us that things will be good again, if we just put in enough time/effort/energy/patience. We let our perception of past events control our future, instead of critically looking at our goals and making a educated decision on whether our current path will allow us to accomplish them.

3. We Stay In Unhappy Marriages Because of Fear

fear of being aloneRegardless of what other reason your brain may generate for you, the #1 reason why we stay in unhappy marriages is fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of what their future will be like without your spouse. You shouldn’t be ashamed of being afraid. Fear is what keeps us from making really bad choices in our lives. You didn’t jump off a bridge, even though all your friends were doing it, because you were afraid of the consequences. In this instance, your fear was justified and helped to preserve your life and health. That is what fear is for.

Fear can be a great thing, as it is your brain’s way of protecting you from potential hazards. It is when you become immobilized by fear that things get tricky. Inaction is the best friend of fear, and they love to work together to keep you from moving forward. You have done new and scary things your entire life, from taking your first steps to rebelling against your parents, even getting married! The fears that you have overcome have defined who you are as a person, and those that you allow to rule your life do the same.

Knowledge: The Key to Overcoming Fear

People have the ability to strap themselves into a harness and jump off a bridge with just a single rope attaching them because they understand exactly what will happen, when it will happen, and what safety measures are in place to protect them from damage. They have researched and weighed various factors, and have decided that the potential outcome is worth the risk.

Those people we see who seem to have it all together as they seamlessly navigate divorce with no second thoughts have a secret. They have struggled with the same emotions that you have, but they have decided that they are worth more or their life can be more that it is in their current situation. So how have they gotten to this point of quiet confidence?

Reach Out to an Expert for Help

They have most likely reached out to an expert to explain the process and help them understand what divorce can mean for them, their finances, their family, and their future. If that’s not enough, they have reached out to a therapist, or maybe joined a support group for help dealing with the emotional impact of divorce.

A family lawyer does more than assist you with filing paperwork. Reaching out to a lawyer when you are considering divorce can help you to understand what life could be like outside of the restraints of your marriage. Many divorce lawyers work to expose the unknown so you can be confident you are making the right choice for you and your family, regardless of whether that means you will be pursuing divorce or not.

A divorce lawyer can fully explain all the options available to you, recommend counselors, answer all of your questions, and address any concerns you may have about the divorce process, child custody and support, or any other aspect of your life post-divorce. You then have the knowledge you need to weigh those options, look at the different potential outcomes, and can decide to pursue divorce, wait for a better time, or maybe even come to the realization that your marriage isn’t so bad after all.

The Moral of The Story

Don’t let fear, memories, or even your children keep you from pursuing your best life possible. Speak to an experienced divorce lawyer who can help you understand your situation, and get a full analysis before you do anything. You just may find that – with some concerted efforts, or a few sessions of marriage counseling – you could already be living your best life. An outside perspective may help you recognize and appreciate what you have, and what your marriage could become with some time, patience, and support – or you may gain the knowledge and tools you need to overcome your fears, enabling you to leave your unhappy marriage and start a new, better life for yourself.

 

Source: www.divorcemag.com “http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/3-reasons-why-we-stay-in-unhappy-marriages”, Tracy Mccole, 3/01/2018.

Tax Invoices
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

Effects of Taxes on Divorce Negotiations in 2018

With the passing of the U.S. Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, it is even more important than ever to make sure you’re taking taxes into account when you’re negotiating your settlement. There are several changes to the law, but the main ones that you should be paying particularly close attention to as you negotiate a divorce agreement are as follows:

1.     Alimony payments made by a former spouse will no longer be tax deductible for the payor. This is going to have the biggest effect on divorce negotiations.

a.     Until the end of 2018

i.     The payor of alimony is able to deduct that amount against his/her taxes. What  that means, is that whatever the alimony amount is, in effect it’s less for the payor once you take into account the tax deduction.

ii.     The recipient will have to pay taxes on the alimony which is treated as income. Typically, tax rates for the recipient are lower than the payor thus making it a win/win for both parties.

b.     Beginning in 2019

i.     Alimony payments will no longer be tax deductible to the payor.

ii.     The recipient not be taxed on the alimony received as income.

2.     The loan amount on which mortgage interest can be deducted has been reduced to $750k from $1m (not for existing home mortgages only new ones).

a.     If you’re renegotiating your mortgage because the home is being transferred into your spouse’s name, that will affect your taxes.

b.     If you’re looking to move and take out a new mortgage greater than $750k, again, you will feel the effects.

3.     Interest on Home equity loans is no longer tax deductible.

4.     The deduction of your State and Local taxes against Federal Income taxes has been reduced to $10k.

This is a very simplified version of the changes. Make sure you should check with your CPA or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to help you accurately plan for the tax consequences.

Source:https://thedivorcierge.com “https://thedivorcierge.com/2018/01/effects-taxes-divorce-negotiations-2018/”, Karen Bigman, January, 24, 2018.

BAD MARRIAGE
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

Why a Good Divorce Is Better Than a Bad Marriage for Kids

Anyone who is considering divorce knows that there is a lot of research demonstrating that divorce is difficult for children. If you’re considering divorce or in the process of getting one it can seem as though researchers are shaking their fingers at you, predicting the worst for your child. As a former divorce attorney, mediator, and Law Guardian, I worked with families going through divorce as well as those who returned to court for updates and changes to their parenting plans. I’ve also seen acquaintances, friends, and family members who have stayed together for the sake of the children. It’s time someone stood up and spoke the truth. While there is no question that divorce is hard for kids, it is a far cry better than raising your children in a violent, abusive, angry, or deeply resentful marriage.

If you stay married for the sake of your children, you expose them to daily arguments, negative undercurrents, shouting, possible violence, and an atmosphere that is in no way calm and peaceful. This has a huge impact on your child. When parents stay in a bad marriage, kids have to cope with the fall out from a never ending cycle of disputes, resentment, sadness, and even hate. A bad marriage is an open wound that can never heal as the scab is picked off again and again no matter how hard the parents try to keep things together for the sake of the kids. Children live in a volatile environment, which even if it is not violent, it is not nurturing and loving.

While the research is clear that divorce does have an impact on children, it fails to take into account the permanent emotional damage children suffer when they stay in one home with parents who can’t get along. A divorce frees everyone from this environment and offers many benefits to children:back to back

– Two homes where there is no constant arguing. This allows kids to just be kids without having to work around the complex negative emotions present in a conflict-filled home. Yes, having two homes is a change. It’s not always perfect but two homes without fighting is almost always better than one filled with arguments and marital tension.

– A calmer emotional baseline. Things are complicated in the months following divorce, but most families get through this transition and find a new normal. Children are no longer riding the waves of their parents’ relationship on a daily basis. Things settle down and everyone is calmer and less combative.

– Happy parents. The benefits of this are enormous. Happy people are better parents. Happy people create happy environments. Happiness rubs off on children. While it takes time to find your equilibrium after divorcing, it does happen for most people and is certainly a better outcome than living unhappily for years in a difficult marriage.

– Children learn that compromise matters. When they see their parents co-parenting and working through the issues in a divorce, children learn that compromise is an important and effective skill. While no divorce is without challenges, getting through it shows your child how to work through hard times to achieve a brighter future. Parents who choose to mediate their divorce show their children that working together to find a solution is preferable to fighting against each other.

– Parents who choose personal happiness teach their kids to do the same. While putting your kids first is often held up as the gold standard of parenting, deciding that your personal happiness is more important than having a nuclear family under one roof sends a powerful message to your children. It shows them that everyone deserves to be happy and that happiness is an important consideration in your life plan.

– Divorced parents can find their parenting mojo after divorce. This isn’t guaranteed, but if you have a reasonable parenting plan and are able to cooperate, each parent develops a unique parenting style from the ongoing one-on-one time with the children.

Source:https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ “https://www.huffingtonpost.com/brette-sember/why-a-good-divorce-is-better-than-a-bad-marriage-for-kids_b_6925236.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000004” Brette Sember, March 24, 2015.

Price of Divorce
Author Jonathan Roeder Posted on

The Price of Divorce has just Increased

Divorce might have just become more expensive for US taxpayers. In the US, alimony payments (otherwise known as maintenance or periodical payments in the United Kingdom), but not child maintenance, are deductible by the paying spouse and are taxable to the recipient spouse as income. In the small print of the widely heralded tax reforms approved by the Trump administration in January 2018, the tax break will end for all divorce financial settlements finalised after December 31, 2018.

This has led some to predict a divorce rush before the new rules take effect.

I asked Ed Rieu of US tax advisory firm Sopher & Co to explain the history and the impact of this change:

“The US originally allowed a deduction for alimony by the paying spouse equal to the amount included in taxable income by the recipient spouse. The rules evolved to the current rules that allow a deduction even where the recipient did not include any amount in income.

To be deductible, the alimony needs to be paid in cash, under a court order between legally separated persons and must end on the death of the payee spouse (or on a fixed date). Further, the order must not designate the payment as not being deductible by the payor or includible in income by the recipient. A lump sum prepayment can also qualify as deductible alimony. Fixed payments for child support, however, do not qualify as deductible alimony nor do lump sum payments in splitting marital assets.

As an aside, this non-taxation rule on lump sum pre-payments does not apply to transfer of assets to a non-US citizen spouse. Thus, where a US citizen or permanent resident transfers assets to such spouses, gain will be realised on the value of assets transferred in excess of base cost and income will be realised to the value of any pension or other deferred income rights transferred. This requires up-front strategic planning to identify what assets may be transferred with a minimum US tax exposure.

Because the spouse paying alimony is typically in a higher tax bracket than the recipient, the alimony payment usually results in an overall tax saving which is often split by the parties in the financial settlement. The US Congress recognised this and recently legislated that effective for court orders issued after 31 December 2018, no deduction will be allowed for alimony payments and the receipt of income will not be taxable. Alimony paid on court orders issued prior to 1 January 2018 will still be deductible (and receipt of alimony will still be taxable). While the overall savings gained by the couple may be lower given the reduction in US tax rates (from 39.6% to 37%), the net savings to be realised has nevertheless led to a current rush by couples to expedite resolution of financial issues by year end.”

Inevitably there will be pressure for US taxpayers to finalise divorce settlements over the next eleven months and for some, the loss of the tax break may even be a tipping point spurring them to divorce. Before taking any radical decisions, however, it might be valuable for US citizens seeking their divorce in England (perhaps because they are resident here) to consider how the changes will impact. Maintenance settlements here are awarded based on “need”. There is no principle of a “fair sharing” of income. The less well-off spouse (usually the wife) will present a schedule of her own and any children’s annual income needs. The schedule will be a comprehensive list, everything from bath salts to butlers, aiming to reflect the actual standard of living of the marriage. The needs, of course, must be affordable and reasonable, but the court will normally carry out a balancing exercise with the edge being given to the parent who has the primary care of children going forward.

Yet since the English court also looks at the net income available in prescribing maintenance payments, it is inevitable that some separated households will be impacted by the new tax hit and will find the future a good deal harder. One would like to think the new rules may create a short term financial disincentive to divorce but I suspect for wealthy US clients it simply means divorce has become more expensive.

Source: http://www.theamerican.co.uk “http://www.theamerican.co.uk/pr/ea-Divorce-for-US-Taxpayers-Kingsley-Napley.php”  Michael Rowlands,  Undated.

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