Co Parenting

When Mom and Dad Work Together, Everyone Benefits: Effective Co-Parenting

Bruno Bettelheim, an esteemed child psychologist, once wrote, “The security of the parent about being a parent will eventually become the child’s feeling of security about himself.” Children become what they are in large part because of the confidence and competence that parents find and create in the parental experience.

An effective parental partnership is perhaps the single most crucial factor in achieving that goal. Likewise for children, the most important element in their becoming healthy, solid, and secure individuals is having two parents who have formed and forged an effective parental partnership. Parenting, like marriage, is a proactive process that couples must think through together, creatively sustain, and nurture as an entity in itself.

An effective parental partnership is one where parents unite to offer their child an ongoing experience where both their individual and parental partnership roles combine, support, and mutually enhance each other for the child’s benefit. The relationship is not just child to mother and/or father, but to parents in a primary way.

Bettelheim stated that “With the single exception of the child’s natural endowment, nothing shapes a child’s personality more than the experience of family living–the feelings it arouses and the attitudes it inculcates.” His view of himself, his relations to others and his expectations of the world are gotten from what he observes, experiences, and internalizes in relation to his parents as a mutual entity–how they act, love, value, and authentically are in relation to each other and him as parents.

How does a couple attain and sustain this desired state in the midst of complicated marital, family, and personal living? The answer is both complex and yet basic in its essence when parents get in touch with themselves as parents and the reasons why they chose to be parents. A mutually supportive, enhancing, and rewarding parental partnership is not only possible, but a natural course of events, if properly formed. This can be true, not only for intact families, but also where separation or divorce is the reality. It is never too late to forge a working parental partnership in a child’s development. It is crucial that a child experiences his parent’s ongoing attempts to do so.

Benefits for the child 
The child basically benefits in two ways. First, the child has the chance to absorb and internalize the very experience of mother/father interactions, actively identifying with each and, at the same time, as a parental duo. This is a powerful emotional and behavioral formula that creates unique and authentic individuals. Secondly, the child learns to integrate disparate and contradictory elements in his/her developing self as parents do in their relationship, a parallel process. Opposites such as love and hate, frustration and adaptation, self-esteem and worthlessness, and confidence and humiliation are integrated cohesively into the viable internal and external “playground” to safely and securely grow into his/her authentic self.

When both parents are actively involved and children reach higher levels of emotional and cognitive development, they are less likely to be violent or be hurt, get into serious trouble, or do poorly in school. When fathers stay close during infancy and adulthood, a boy has a less turbulent adolescence, is less aggressive and overly competitive. He is better able to express feelings of vulnerability and sadness. He can more easily resolve conflicts, and can develop more of a sense of empathy. Daughters with active fathers have higher self esteem, are less likely to have sex before they want to, become pregnant, or be assaulted.

How to forge the partnership 
Using a child’s puzzle of about eight to 10 pieces as a metaphor, the elements of a parental partnership can be seen and understood as a whole picture or as the separate components that link to each other in complementary fashion to comprise the whole. Individual pieces represent parental strengths/skills or weaknesses/gaps in either mother or father. To have a coherent picture, one parent’s weaknesses should be compensated by and connected to the other parent’s pieces representing strengths/skills. Where the pieces are placed in relation to each other and why is a joint creative process by both.

To create a viable partnership/puzzle, each parent needs to become aware and accepting of their own strengths and weaknesses (which is not always an easy task). Making this a mutual process and discussion can lead to further or new understanding of how each parent sees themselves, and also in what areas they need understanding, support, or active help. Areas where both need help should lead the couple to new creativity in their partnership, possibly with the help of outside expertise.

Most importantly, to begin assembling the puzzle, a process and language of cues and communications needs to be agreed upon so that when help is needed, the needed supportive process can swing into action. Examples of these could be:

• “Please step in and take over. I need a break.” (parent acting as a buffer) • “I need your assistance.” (parent complementing other parent’s attempts with their own skill, support)
• “Let’s go talk.” (parent knowing when it is time to think something through rather than react)
• “Let me do my own thing.” (parent knowing when not to step in or interfere)
• “Please be understanding.” (parent being patient and supportive, even if not in total agreement with spouse as a parent).
• The more these and other cues can be used and heard in daily life, the more there will be an actual parental partnership at work. How this works, what else is needed, and how each feels about the process should be an ongoing mutual conversation. Different “pieces of the puzzle” can be focused on at any point without losing
• site of the whole picture or what holds it together.

Examples of effective partnerships 
Here are a few examples of effective parental partnerships.
• Fathers help mothers understand the needs of a growing boy
• Mothers, with a spirit of kindness, try to understand a father’s parental insecurities.
• Fathers have—and mothers allow—one-on-one time. They feel engrossed with the experience, and discover their own fatherly impulses.
• Both parents understand that, in a family, shared daily acts and routines are valuable opportunities for connection and true shared parental nurturing.
• Mothers don’t leave lists of activities for husbands to do with the kids, but allow them to have their own experiences.
• Husbands and wives don’t let child rearing be the only center of their bond.
• A strong and supportive parental partnership allows for both parents to have jobs and interests outside the home.
• Shared parenting further commits a couple to each other, as they protect, nurture, worry and rejoice about their children-–a daily intimacy that enhances marital love.
• Children of parental partnerships learn directly that: marriages grow stronger, mutual respect is essential, promises are to be kept, and that conflicts don’t have to destroy relationships.
• Sons of two active, involved parents will likely be nurturing fathers themselves.
• Parents don’t have to be the same or agree on everything. They can play very different roles as equal partners. How they integrate things makes the difference. • Parents act as mutual supporters and consultants. It’s OK for one to be lost, overwhelmed, or confused, as the other supports and understands.
• At times, each parent acts as a buffer for a child and the other parent.
• Learning on the job is OK. There is no need to feel perfect. Children will understand and learn from watching their parents develop as parents, as they do as kids.
• Parents can rotate roles. There is no need to always be the disciplinarian or nurturer.
• Creating enough family time for the ongoing parental and family interactions to be truly experienced by the kids. DON’T farm out essential roles to others. Being there is everything!

Interactive parenting 
• During each stage of a child’s growth and development, both parents play key roles. For example:
• During their child’s infancy, dads can begin their own unique relationship with the infant. A father’s voice is uniquely experienced, even in the womb. He becomes the protector of mother from “the outside,” so she can focus on “the inside” with her infant.
• As the infant, then the toddler, begins separation from the mother, dad actively becomes the first important “other’ in the world outside him and mom. Mom will become security and safety, and he will be the initial connection to the outside world–a critical mutual process in the child’s development as a unique individual.
• When toddlers throw a tantrum “storm” out of separation anxiety with Mom and is all “no’s,” Dad can assist by neither giving in to the toddler’s demands nor by getting into a lose/lose control battle. His calm, re-directing behavior into established routine and rituals, supports mother in modulating the child.
• Parents of a four-year-old experience both mature behavior and then melt- downs over minor incidents. Mother helps Father to understand that, even though he tries to instill moral directives, the operative factor is the parents and their behavior—especially interactions between the parents—that models for the child how to deal with situations.
• The father of a seven-year-old boy relishes in showing his son how to do things, without listening closely enough to the child’s stories of his own masteries. Mother gently and supportively talks with Dad about how, if he listens and admires his son’s “showing off,” that he will be truly idealized by his son, as interactions will be a mutual experience.

Barriers to effective parental partnerships
Barriers can exist that need to be understood and attended to before developing an effective partnership. These can include: fathers who haven’t had strong parental models and are unsure; men who feel that nurturing might not be masculine; men who see their role primarily as the family provider exclusively; or dads who are comfortable with the “policeman role” and not as a caretaker or teacher/playmate. Mothers may be reluctant to share the power as the primary parent; be critical or anxious about the dad’s style of parenting; or may be threatened by the father’s active role as an infringement on her role and relationship with the children. Couples who are experiencing disconnected or dysfunctional relationships may not feel ready or safe to intimately share parenting. Sadly, negative parenting disagreements become a lightening rod for other marital difficulties, with the children as the real losers.

Is it possible? 
An effective parental partnership is certainly possible when both parents see the benefits, not only for their children, but for themselves. What is essential is that each parent be aware of their own parental styles, needs, and shortcomings. Couples must think about what each partner needs from the other to complement their parenting style. The discussion and resulting journey can be rewarding, and make family life an engrossing, enriching experience for all.

A good parental partnership, like a good marriage, is based on trust, commitment, shared visions about a relationship, and a willingness to work at it. A parental partnership needs to be established in all family constellations, intact families, separated or divorced situations, or any other situation where two adults are fulfilling the parental roles for a child.

Tom Bass, L.C.S.W., is the clinical director at Family Services of Winnetka-Northfield. His clinical practice has included work with children, adolescents, adults, and families. This article was first published in the Fall/Winter 2007-08 issue of Early Childhood.

Source: http://www.theallianceforec.org, “http://www.theallianceforec.org/library.php?c=6&news=106”, Tom Bass, Fall/Winter 2007-08.

CHILDREN FROM CONFLICT

9 Tips for Protecting Children from Conflict during Divorce

It’s impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Here are nine useful tips for reducing the harmful effects of conflict during and after divorce.

There are several things parents can do to protect their children from conflict and reduce the harmful effects of long-term conflict during and after divorce. Some solutions require the aid of others, including the court. A parenting coordinator can help work out a plan as well as reduce conflict between co-parents.

1. Remove the Cause. Obviously, this is the best course of action, but it may require counseling or therapy. You need to examine your own role in feeding conflict; if there’s nothing you can do to end the dispute, you need to structure your life to decrease the violence. You should avoid fighting and playing mind-games. Children copy their parents’ behavior: they can become aggressive and show poor control of emotions.

2. Learn New Skills. Often, just going to a class will motivate parents. They will learn about the harmful effects of conflict. Hopefully, they’ll want to change – but to change, they must learn new skills. They must learn how to communicate without causing anger and how to listen to what is being said without judging. Parents need to work together and cooperate for the child’s sake. Books or videos about divorce and parenting can also help, and parenting skill classes are offered in many communities. These skills will help with many aspects of raising children post-divorce.

3. Keep Children Out of the Middle. Parents need to keep their child out of their disputes. Being caught in the middle between Mom and Dad is very stressful for children: the most powerful reason for a child to be maladjusted is conflict between the parents. Parental disagreements cause stress and suffering in a child; children often emerge in good shape from low-conflict break-ups, and they do better than those in an intact family with high conflict. Parents in conflict are poor role models, inconsistent with discipline, and inattentive – all of which creates stress for their children. Negative emotions between co-parents are carried over into their interactions with their children. After the conflict, parents are suffering, too; involvement with their child decreases and they cannot respond to their child’s emotional needs.

4. Control Your Emotions. Many parents go through regular cycles of emotion, from conflict to detachment. Feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment come and go – as do sadness, loneliness, and despair. Feelings of love, anger, and sadness have different effects, and some parents get “stuck” in one of these three feelings. Parents stuck in anger may endlessly seek revenge; those stuck in love may continue to hope to reconcile; and those stuck in sadness may become depressed, blaming themselves for all of the problems of the marriage. Parents need to learn to use non-violent language; most people respond well when given a positive message (something to do) and poorly when given a negative message (not to do something). Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, explains this strategy (see the Center for Nonviolent Communication at www.cnvc.org). Good communication skills enable parents to react less emotionally in tense situations.

5. Prepare for Long-Term Conflict. Disputes continue for a long time post-divorce for most families, so parents should develop a plan that shields the child from conflict. The child will benefit if kept out of parents’ angry arguments. Co-parents should work hard to maintain their own and the other parent’s bond with the child, and they need to accept each other’s different values and parenting styles.

6. Contain Your Anger. Being cordial and formal will help keep your emotions in check. High conflict is usually temporary, so it is best not to decrease the child’s access to the other parent; it is more harmful for a child to lose a relationship with a parent than it is for them to be exposed to conflict for a short period of time. Decreasing contact between one parent and the child can lead to complete loss of contact over time, and children never get over the loss of a parent relationship – even as adults. There are good online programs that can help, such as Children in the Middle (www.divorce-education.com); parents can also work with a therapist or counselor. Mediators can also help reduce conflict by teaching parents to find ways to cooperate and agree.

7. Children as a Cause of Conflict. Sometimes, a child can make the fighting between parents worse. If a child has serious behavior problems or emotional problems, it adds to the burdens of the parents. If parents have trouble handling these issues, conflicts can arise or be aggravated. Of course, the child’s problems may be caused by the break-up or by the parents’ conflict; it can be difficult to know just what is causing what. The best solution is for the parents to agree on how to deal with the child’s problems: they need to be consistent across households, and they should support each other in front of the children.

8. Avoid Loyalty Conflicts. Loyalty conflicts, where a child feels pressure to choose sides, are the most damaging aspect of parental conflict. Most parents do not think they put their child in the middle of their dispute, but children say that they do. Some parents criticize the child for not hating their other parent, or act hurt when the child wants to be with their other parent. A child may not be allowed to talk about the other parent or to bring things back from the other house. The child may be quizzed about time spent with his/her other parent or about the other parent’s personal life.

A child will try to resolve loyalty conflicts in several ways, including:

  • having a separate but equal connection with each parent
  • trying to get the parents to be nice to each other
  • acting out, getting into trouble, or getting sick
  • becoming angels
  • retreating from both parents and turning to their peers
  • seeking comfort in alcohol, drugs, or risky sex.

Being caught in the middle is too great a burden for most children. The video, Children in the Middle, teaches parents to reduce the number of loyalty conflicts and the number of times the child is exposed to their arguments. The child learns to speak up when caught in the middle of parental disputes.

9. Arguing Constructively. It is impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Controlled conflict often leads to positive, constructive changes. Parents can learn to manage conflict, learn to compromise, and become more effective parents. When they do this, their child’s behavior improves.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com, “http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/protecting-children-from-conflict”, Donald A. Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack Arbuthnot (Ph.D.), Updated: November 12, 2015.
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